The Good Samaritan
-
A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan to her
class of 4 and 5 year-olds. She was making it as vivid as possible to keep
the ...
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"Holy Shit"
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Funny Story
Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.
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Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear??!!
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the plaintiff and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?
Witness: Yes, correct.
Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the plaintiff's ear?
Witness: No.
Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE PLAINTIFF IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!!
Witness: I saw him spit it out.
(Dead Silence)
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Tokio HOtel
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Funny video collection
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10 husbands, still a virgin
lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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Skateboard Pipe Rolls
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Magazine illusion
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Titanic Actors
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Perfect Partner
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
“The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!”
An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”
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Super Dog
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Stupid quotes by George W. Bush
“And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I’m sorry it’s the case, and I’ll work hard to try to elevate it.” –George W. Bush, interview on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007
“I think that the vice president is a person reflecting a half-glass-full mentality.” –George W. Bush, interview on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007
“And one thing we want during this war on terror is for people to feel like their life’s moving on, that they’re able to make a living and send their kids to college and put more money on the table.” –George W. Bush, interview on the NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, Jan. 16, 2007
“The best way to defeat the totalitarian of hate is with an ideology of hope — an ideology of hate — excuse me –with an ideology of hope.” –George W. Bush, Fort Benning, Ga., Jan. 11, 2007
“Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die.” –George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 7, 2006
“The only way we can win is to leave before the job is done.” –George W. Bush, Greeley, Colo., Nov. 4, 2006
“Anybody who is in a position to serve this country ought to understand the consequences of words.” –George W. Bush, interview with Rush Limbaugh, Nov. 1, 2006
“You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war President. No President wants to be a war President, but I am one.” –George W. Bush, Des Moines, Iowa, Oct. 26, 2006 Maria Bartiromo:
“I’m curious, have you ever googled anybody? Do you use Google?” President Bush: “Occasionally. One of the things I’ve used on the Google is to pull up maps. It’s very interesting to see — I’ve forgot the name of the program — but you get the satellite, and you can — like, I kinda like to look at the ranch. It remind me of where I wanna be sometimes.” –interview with CNBC’s Maria Bartiromo, Oct. 24, 2006
“You’re one of the outstanding leaders in a very important part of the world. I want to thank you for strategizing our discussions.” –George W. Bush, meeting with the prime minister of Malaysia, New York, N.Y., Sept. 18, 2006
“The Patriot Act has increased the flow of information within our government and it has helped break up terrorist cells in the United States of America. And the United States Congress was right to renew the terrorist act — the Patriot Act.” –George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. , Sept. 7, 2006
“You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.” –George W. Bush, interview with CBS News’ Katie Couric, Sept. 6, 2006
“I said I was looking for a book to read, Laura said you ought to try Camus. I also read three Shakespeares. … I’ve got a eck-a-lec-tic reading list.” –George W. Bush, interview with NBC’s Brian Williams, New Orleans, La., Aug. 29, 2006
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Heaven For Potheads
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Queer Quotes
1. Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" -- Jon Stewart
2. The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft we can all declare homosexuality instead of running off to Canada. --Lorne Bloch
3. When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one. --From the tombstone of a gay Vietnam veteran
4. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. --Lynn Lavner
5. My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share. --Rita Mae Brown
6. Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons. --Letter to the Editor, The Advocate
7. You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight. --Barry Goldwater
8. If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." --Robin Tyler
9. Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? --Ernest Gaines
10. War. Rape. Murder. Poverty. Equal rights for gays. Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting? --The Value of Families
11. I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother. --Charles Pierce, 1980
12. That word "lesbian" sounds like a disease. And straight men know because they're sure that they're the cure. --Denise McCanles
13. As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children. --Anita Bryant, 1977
14. If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nail biters. --Anita Bryant
15. The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. --Dennis Miller
16. Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole. --Judy Carter
17. My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. --W. Somerset Maugham
18. Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't. --Author Unknown
19. I am reminded of a colleague who reiterated, "all my Homosexual patients are quite sick" - to which I finally replied "so are all my heterosexual patients." --Ernest van den Haag, psychotherapist
20. When it comes to exploring the sea of love, I prefer buoys. --Andrew G. Dehel
21. If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic." --Shelly Roberts
22. My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it. --Amanda Bearse
23. Some women can't say the word Lesbian...even when their mouth is full of one. --Kate Clint
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PORSCHE Cars
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began
to yell and scream,
"Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
We know what a Porsche costs.."
"Well," said the! boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like
that for fifteen dollars," they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name,
they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I
wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "She must be a child abuser. Who
knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see
what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady
lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He
introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a
Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has
run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to
come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new
Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
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Crazy Women Out KFC
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Why bring wife's photo to the office
Wife - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”
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Letter to her husband and her husband's reply
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home andate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't.
Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!
Signed: Your EX-Wife
________________________________________
Dear Ex-Wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've
been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging.
Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating
pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote you won't get a dime from
me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you
this but Carl, my brother, was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free
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I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home andate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't.
Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!
Signed: Your EX-Wife
________________________________________
Dear Ex-Wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've
been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging.
Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating
pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote you won't get a dime from
me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you
this but Carl, my brother, was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free
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Coded Message
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 called the White House with this reply, "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
Fun things to do at Drive Thru
1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
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The Computer Programmer
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
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Is there no hope without the Internet?
A jobless man applied for the position of “office boy” at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a
test.
“You are employed” he said. “Give me your e-mail address and I’ll send
you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.
The man replied “But I don’t have a computer, neither an email”. “I’m
sorry”, said the HR manager. If you don’t have an email, that means you
do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.”
The man left with no hope at all. He didn’t know what to do, with only
in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a
10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round.
In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated
the operation three times, and returned home with . The man realized
that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and
return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day.
Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet
of delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US .
He
started to plan his family’s future, and decided to have a life
insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied, “I don’t have an email.”
The broker answered curiously,”You don’t have an email, and yet have
succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been
if you had an e mail?!!”
The man thought for a while and replied,
“Yes, I’d be an office boy at Microsoft!”
--
Moral of the story :
M1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.
M2 - If you don’t have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
M3 - If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an office boy/girl, than a millionaire…
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Essays
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are won't to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
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Life's is Too Short For Wrong Job
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Difference after Marriage
Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She : Dear !!
Now funniest thing..
after the marriage.... read it from below to up !!!!
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He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She : Dear !!
Now funniest thing..
after the marriage.... read it from below to up !!!!
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Asking for a Raise
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other
companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
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Elephant at the Zoo
A mother is walking with her five year-old son through the zoo when they reach the elephant cage. The boy looks with amazement at the large beast and asks his mom, "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"
His mother replies "That's his trunk".
The little boy goes, "I know that, the thing to the other side of the trunk."
The mom replies "Oh, that's his tail".
The boy goes, "I know that! No, what's that big thing hanging down in between the trunk and tail."
The mother, wanting to avoid this subject all together, just says "Oh, that's nothing" and whisks him off to the next exhibit.
Two weeks later he goes to the same zoo with his dad. They are at the elephant exhibit and he asks his dad "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"
The dad replies, "That's his trunk."
"No, behind that!" says the kid.
"Oh, well that's his tail" replies the father.
"NO, in-between the trunk and the tail!" yells the kid.
His dad replies, "Son, that's the elephant's penis."
The kid, a bit puzzled, tells his dad, "But Mom said it was nothing."
His father replied, "Son, that's because your mom's been spoiled."
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The Chicken & The Horse
The Chicken and the Horse
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
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A Good Lover
A woman is fast approaching 40 years of age and is without a partner. This situation has her rather depressed due to her long history of failed relationships. After much debate she decides that the best thing to do is to take out a personal ad in the paper:Wanted: A good lover to be my friend; who won’t beat me and won’t run out on me.
After a week or so no one has responded to the ad. She is feeling particularly depressed when the door bell rings.
She opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the front porch. Quite surprised at the sight she asks him what he wants.
He replies, “I’m responding to your ad for a good lover.”
“How can that be? You have no arms and no legs!”
“I have no arms so I can’t beat you and I have no legs so I can’t run out on you!” he said.
“What about being a good lover?” she asked.
He responded, “I rang the doorbell didn’t I?”
Work Safety
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Gender Roles
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
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She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
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Who like Global Warming ??
It good news for predators like sharks...
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Baseball In Heaven
Two buddies, John and Jeff, happened to be two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, John and Jeff discussed baseball history in the winter and stufied over every box score during the season. They went to a hundred games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, John passed away in his sleep after watching the Mets victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Jeff awoke to the sound of John’s voice from beyond. “John is that you?” Jeff asked.
“Of course it me,” John replied.
“This is unbelievable!” Jeff exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well, I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the good news first.” “Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Jeff.”
“Oh, that’s great! So what’s the bad news?” You’re pitching tomorrow night.”
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Blonde’s Police Application
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can’t just turn her away, and orders the desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. To just ‘play along’ and humor her.
Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, “What’s 2+2?” “Ummm… 4!” the blonde says.
Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: “What’s the square root of 100?” “Ummm… 10!” the blonde says.
“Good!” the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. “OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?” “Ummm… I don’t know,” she admits.
“Well, you can go home and think about it,” he says, “and come back later and tell me what you’ve figured out.” He figures that’s the last he’ll see of her.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
“Not only did I get the job,” the blonde says, “but I’ve already been assigned to a murder case!”
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Sex Accident
This girl's badly timed move completely ruins the mood.
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Hero of The Year !!!
p/s : Hero of The Year !!!
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George w;s Wild Daughter In Action
p/s : George w'p/s : s Wild Daughter In Action............................................................................................................................................
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When You Tried Everthing Else
p/s : pimples problem............................................................................................................................................
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Look, the truck in front is giving birth!
p/s : truck birth !!
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Mimic Bird
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p/s : This bird can mimic any sound in its environment nice ..
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Final exam
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
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The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
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Think Big But Not Too Big
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Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'
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Gender Roles
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
.....................................................................................................................................................
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She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
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The Zebra Maker
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Hearing Aids
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Perfect Partner
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Elderly Mathematics
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
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The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
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Cool Body Paint
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Wrong e-mail address
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
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Sound Board - Arnold Schwartzenegger
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Tired Baby ..
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Funny SignBoard
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See Paris Hilton Here
Are You Need A New Hair Style ??
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