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Women A- Z



  • Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
  • Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
  • Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
  • Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty. 
  • Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
  • Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
  • Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
  • Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
  • Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
  • Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
  • Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
  • Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
  • Women think all beer is the same.
  • Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
  • Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be. 
  • If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
  • Women brush their hair before bed.
  • Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
  • Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
  • Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
  • Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
  • Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. 
  • The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
  • Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
  • Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
  • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. 
  • Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
  • Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
  • Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
  • PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
  • The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
  • Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes. 
  • Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. 
  • 'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
  • Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
  • Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
  • All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
  • If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
  • Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
  • Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
  • If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
  • Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
  • Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
  • Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
  • Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
  • It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.
  • Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
  • The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!'
  • More Joke about women here She's So Funny: 1,768 of the Best Jokes From Women Comedians
 
 
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Colonel vs Camel



It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?"

"Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --"

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point."

Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me," the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "is the camel free this afternoon?"

The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. "How about I schedule you in for 2:00?"

The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.

Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.

"Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?"

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Doctor


One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."

The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in thisample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises,flashedlights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

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