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New Year Jokes : 2012 Crazy Resolutions

Check out these 2012 crazy resolution! Enjoy these and make some for yourself.
  • I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
  • I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.
  • I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
  • I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
  • Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
  • Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
  • I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly....
  • I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.
  • I will stop sending e-mails to my wife (husband).
  • I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
  • I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
  • I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
  • I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
  • I will think of a password other than "password."
  • I will not tell the same story at every get together.
  • I won't worry so much.
  • I will cut my hair.
  • I will grow my hair.
  • I will stop considering other people's feelings when they so obviously don't consider mine - if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I'll tell him he stinks!
  • I will be more imaginative.
  • I will not hang around girls - they think you love them and that sucks.
  • I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.

Adult Jokes : Wee button

Mr. Smith comes to his wife, "Honey, could you be sewing on a wee button that's come off of my fly? I cannot button my pants."

"Oh Dear ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. Jones could be helping you with it."

About five minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Mr. Smith.

Mrs. Smith looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Yeah," says Mr. Smith. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did.

Everything was going fine but when she bent on to bite off the wee thread, Mr. Jones walked in..."

A Loving Couple

Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. "Bill darling," she breathed.
 
"I've got a confession to make before I go... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house ... I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I'm afraid I also was the one who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion..."

"That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too. I'm the one who poisoned you."

Hotel Jokes - Soap Saga



Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.

WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING


Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.

I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.


Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.


I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.


Please remove them.

S. Berman

----------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mr. Berman,


My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty

----------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mr. Berman,


The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.
If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

----------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Miss Carmen,


It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.


I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.

I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the ?$*! left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one *&%$ bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.

Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman


----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.

Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

 

How to guess a woman's age


A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says. "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man replies, "promise you won't get mad?" "I promise! I won't" she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's." Source : Writer-Free

Funny Story : $200 Bucks


A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

" Hi, is Tony home?" 
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in." 

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. 

It's Kind of a Funny Story They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." 

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. 

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. " 

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" 
It's Kind of a Funny StorySeven Fun Stories for 4-7 Years Olds 

The Empire State Building


Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the tenth floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."


The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.



What Good Is God?: In Search of a Faith That Matters1st Man: "No it’s true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the tenth floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the tenth-floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.


The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."


The Offensive Art: Political Satire and Its Censorship around the World from Beerbohm to Borat1st Man: "No, I’ll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the tenth-floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.


2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I’ll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the eleventh, tenth, ninth, eighth floors... and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’


Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk." Source: Jokes & Stories

Don't Laugh


Big Bob, a strapping lad standing 6ft 5 went to his local Doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise me, and I mean it - not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient. And you're a mighty big fella for anyone to be laughing at!"

"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest peni$ the doctor had seen in all his years. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a
gentleman, I promise it absolutely will not happen again. Ever. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen!"

For A Better Relationship


Pooh and the PsychologistsThe Psychology of Humor: An Integrative ApproachA man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does." Ahajokes
 Wire Mothers: Harry Harlow And The Science Of LoveSo Ya' Wanna' Be A Teacher!Unraveling The Add/Adhd Fiasco

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