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Eddie Bigfoot - Eddie Murphy

Eddie Murphy

Gus, what the f–– is wrong with your wife? Why can't she walk a flight of steps? You come over every motherf––ing year, Gus, and you burn down my motherf––ing back yard, and your wife rips down the steps. Why?! I work hard to get my place beautiful. And then the motherf––er comes over and rip the steps down. Look at the motherf––ing steps, they're f––ed up, Gus. Why can't she walk the steps? You know why she can't walk the steps? Cause she's a fat, hairy b––h. That's why. That's why, Gus.

And my children are afraid of your wife. Eddie's afraid of her. He has nightmares about you wife. I went in his room last week, Gus, he was in the bed screaming, crying, "Oh, help me, help me!" I woke him, I shook him, said, "what's wrong?" He said, "Aunt Bunny is coming to get me." He's afraid of your wife, cause she has a bigger moustache than his father.

But you know what it is, Gus? I figured it out about your wife. I'm gonna say it. And my wife, I don't give a f–– about my wife, she can shut the f–– up. I'm gonna tell you something. I figured out about your wife. I know where you met your wife. You told me you met your wife 15 years ago on a motherf––ing camping trip? And that your wife was Puerto Rican? Your wife ain't no motherf––ing Puerto Rican! I thought she was when I first met her, Gus. Cause I walk up, I say "Hello, it's good to meet you. My name is Vernon." She says, "Hello, I'm Bunny. Goonie googoo."

What the f–– does "goonie googoo" mean, Gus? I don't know what the f–– that s–– is to this day. I thought I'd learned some new Spanish s––. I went up to my friend, I said, "Hey Sanchez! Goonie googoo!" And Sanchez says, "Get the f–– outta here." So I been walking around for years confused. And I finally figured it out about your wife, where you met your wife. You didn't meet your wife on no motherf––ing camping trip.

Your wife's a Bigfoot, isn't she, Gus? Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she? That's why the b––h's moustache is so motherf––in' thick... 'cause you shaved the b––h down and taught her to speak. I know a motherf––in' Bigfoot when I see one!

Don't bring a Bigfoot in my home, Gus! With my children? The b––h can't talk. She can't walk a flight of steps! She's not trained well, Gus! She cannot walk steps! I'll bet she climbs the f–– outta trees, though, don't she, Gus? Doesn't she? Doesn't she?!

But you got to not bring her around here. F–– her! And your motherf––in' children? They're Bigfeet, too. They're half-Bigfoot, Gus, 'cause the motherf––ers is 6 years old and have afros 17 inches long. They're little hairy motherf––ers, just like their mother. Look at the motherf––ers!

You know how I found out they was Bigfoot? When I realized your wife was a Bigfoot when I took your kids fishing last week. I put the motherf––ers in the boat, Gus, and I took the worm and I put it on the hooks. And they both sat there, and they put their poles down in the motherf––in' boat, and slammed their faces in the water for 2 minutes! And I think, "What the f–– are these kids doin'?" Then they start moving their heads like this [shakes his head] and the motherf––ers come up with fish! I jumped back and said, "Can you believe this motherf––in' s––? Then the kid took the fish out his mouth and looked at his brother and said, "Goonie googoo."

What the f–– is going on here? Normal kids don't do s–– like that, Gus. But I'm gonna tell you something, motherf––er. You can take your motherf––in' hairy fat-ass wife moustache b–– out the f––. You can go upstairs and get the motherf––in' dog and scoop up the s–– and take Eddie and get these motherf––in' long Angela Davis afro-wearin' motherf––in' kids of yours and put them in the motherf––ing Goonie-Googoo-Mobile and get the f–– out! And if my wife don't like it, she can get the f–– out, too! [Eddie's mom throws her shoe] You missed me, b––h!

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